I am finally nearing the end of a two week emotional roller coaster. Two weeks ago, my sleep training book convinced me that the reason T doesn't sleep at night (and hence neither do we) is because I rock her to sleep every time I put her down. Not even 72 hours before this conclusion, I had a sweet moment doing just this with my daughter. It was a beautiful afternoon, she had just fallen asleep and as I gazed at her peaceful face, the curve of her profile, the nose that is cute on her but not on me, I distinctly remember saying to myself "this is my happy place". The mere thought of having to give that up sent me into an emotional storm; by enjoying these moments I was harming my child by keeping her from learning healthy sleep habits, I was damaging my marriage and our health by our not sleeping, and by waiting all this time to begin sleep training, I had made it harder and more frustrating for T. What's more, this was a sharp painful reminder that my little baby wasn't going to stay this little forever and she wasn't going to need me for everything for very long. She's already outgrown two size groups of clothing (N and 0-3) and is close to moving up a size again. She's placed her binkie in her mouth a few times on her own now and is so close to rolling over. As excited as I am for each of these new developments, I'm overwhelmed with sadness that I can never get this time back with her.
Now, two weeks into sleep training, I'm starting to pull myself out of my abyss. Training has gotten easier and less teary although we feel like we have no idea what we are doing! We have made some progress and have had a couple of nights with quality rest. We've survived our first cold and I got to have a couple of chances to still rock my baby. I've found a loophole! I cuddle with her and rock her when she first wakes up and is still snuggly! Thank goodness for this! It's almost better than when she falls asleep because this is when she is the most talkative and she tells the best stories!