Early Intervention

What is it about the phrase "Early Intervention" that makes me feel like a failure, like a mom who just can't hack it, like I'm letting my kids down?

"I have a PhD, for crying out loud, why can't I fix this?", is one of the many ongoing accusatory conversations going on in my head.

Is it just me, or do all moms continually beat themselves up like this and hold themselves accountable for every little thing?

Since K's 9 month check up, we've been in catch up mode: catch up on weight, catch up on length, catch up on social skills, catch up on gross motor skills.  To her credit, she's actually accomplished a lot in a few weeks, even if it was delayed.  Scooting, crawling, sitting up, and lots of babbles.  But it wasn't enough and we sat through screening yesterday to see if she qualified for early intervention services.  Her communication skills were behind, just a little, and we're going to watch those to see if she catches up in the next few months.  Her gross motor skills had improved drastically and she was actually doing okay in that category, except for the way she places her feet, qualifying her for services to correct her atypical behavior.

Coming out of the appointment, my husband and I were in separate worlds.  To him, the appointment went great!  She showed them all the things she could do.  The two major deficiencies were either something we could watch and coach, or were physical and now she would see specialists that could help her.

As for me, I broke down crying as we walked out of the doctors office.  How could I have failed my baby so badly?

Its amazing how mother's guilt can take over and block out all rational thought.  Of course, my husband was right.  I didn't do anything to make her hold her feet funny.  But those thoughts couldn't break through the mommy-guilt.  Through the rest of the day, my emotions were just barely held back as I tried to focus on work.  Afterwards, I pick up the girls and hugged them both a little tighter than usual.

In the light of the next day, I'm feeling slightly better about what lies ahead, but there's still a nagging guilt just out of my line of sight.  I know in five years, none of this is going to matter and I'll be talking with her about gymnastics or ballet and she'll be just fine.  I'm just going to need a pep talk or two along the way to keep drowning in my own guilt.

I should mention that K did awesome in some categories, putting her achievement beyond her age, like in the receptive communication skills and fine motor skills.  All together, its a lesson to me that we all excel at some things and not others.  I guess that starts very early in life!

Juggling Act

As a post-doc and a mother of two (2.5 years old and 9 months old), I’m often asked “How do you do it?”

The truthful answer is – barely.

I’m certainly not excelling in any area of my life, whether as a post-doc, wife, or mother.  I’m really just getting by in each area. On top of that, I have no life.  Seriously, if you asked me today what I do for fun, I would have no idea how to answer you.  I used to do lots of things – go out with friends, go running or hiking, read a book, sew, go shopping, go to the movies, etc.  My weekends are now filled with laundry, errands, and wiping bums.

I love it.

You might not have expected that, right?  How could that be fun?  If not fun, it is incredibly fulfilling.  I have a job I love, a supportive husband, two beautiful girls, what more could I ask for?  Ok, maybe more sleep.

10 years ago, when I was struggling with the decision to go back to school or not, the lingering doubt in my mind was whether there would ever be a “good” time to have a family and would I be willing to make sacrifices in order to “have it all”.  Luckily, a good friend and colleague of mine had just finished her post-doc, was just starting her family, and wished she hadn’t waited, telling me that grad school was the most flexible time of her life.  I took her advice and experiences to heart and had my first daughter a few months after proposing my thesis research and my second just one month after defending that research.

In order to make it all work, I need support in every aspect of my life.  I need a husband that is willing to step in and assume some of my roles/duties when I need to go to work at midnight for growth curve media collection, and I need a boss that understands that daycare closes at 5:30 and I need to be out of here in time to pick up my littles.  It’s definitely a juggling act and one slip could cause everything to crash.  I live in a constant state of anxiety and guilt, feeling that I’m not living up to expectations.  But those expectations are only imposed by me.  If I stop to listen to the people around me, asking how I do it, it’s because we’re succeeding, somehow. 

Somehow, my experiments get done. 

Somehow, my children are clean, fed, and well behaved.  

Somehow, my husband and I have 30 minutes each night to crash on the couch together and just catch our breath.

I tell myself, over and over, that all things are temporary and this crazy phase of life will soon pass…, only to be replaced by new kinds of crazy (think ballet lessons, grant deadlines, etc.).  But it’s working, and I have so much to be proud of.  So, while I may not be winning prestigious awards or getting nominated for Mommy-of-the-Year anytime soon, I am awarded with happy kids and a husband that love me, and slow-but-steady progression of research.

Also posted on my nerdy blog at http://postdocexperience.scienceblog.com/2013/01/08/juggling-act/

3 becomes 4

Kenley Tovah Hayes arrived early this morning at 4:37am. Weighing 5 lbs 13 oz, she and I are doing great. We'll be taking a little break as we get to know each other and figure out a new balance as a family of four. Thanks for all your prayers and wishes! We feel so blessed!

6 months

Wait, what?  I'm nearly six months pregnant?  When/how did that happen?

That's not to say that I haven't been feeling the ever increasing effects of being pregnant.  I now need my 20-month old to help me up from the floor.  The heartburn has kicked in.  The leg cramps wake me up at night.  Oh the joys, right?  Well, that joy is right around the corner apparently!

Here's a little photo of my nearly six-month bump (yes, it's taken in the ladies restroom as my work. Luckily, no one came in during my impromptu photo shoot): 

The lovely custodial lady and the previously mentioned guard were kind enough to tell me that I'm tiny for six months (yeah, tell that to my dwindling wardrobe!).  Of course, that lovely custodial lady then felt my bump up.  For the love of Pete, why do people insist on doing that?!

Anywho, I'm now realizing that the end of March will be upon us in no time!  We still need to get a crib for the poor little lady!  Also, I'm realizing that all the hand made goodies that I has planned to make for Miss T for Christmas just aren't going to happen.  And, if I want to make those happen for her birthday, I better start sooner than later!  So, hold me accountable people for some kiddo crafty goodies!

Sugar and Spice

No snakes, or snails, or puppy dog tails... we're all girl here!

We had our anatomy ultrasound yesterday and had two people confirm for us that we are having another girl!  I'm so excited! 

Leading up to yesterday, I would have been really happy either way.  A boy would even things out, give the full experience of parenting, carried on the family name; a girl would be a best friend for T, another adorable Daddy's girl, and more sweet dresses!  Once we found out it was a girl, I was a little surprised at how happy that news made me!  Yay!  Two little girls!  Two daughters! Uh-oh, two weddings! ;)

Immediately, I began thinking about all the things I want/have to do now:

1. Sort out T's closet and dresser to make room for her sister. 
2. Wash and put away all the newborn items that we'll need right away.
3. Make a list of things we'll need to stock up on (nursing pads, newborn diapers, crib sheets, milk storage bags, etc.)
4. Research and purchase another crib.
5. Rearrange T's room to make space for two.
6. Start making handmade items:
1. sleeping gowns
2. bibs
3. hats
4. crib skirt
5. blanket

I am both daunted and excited by the list above.  I have so much going on with school, but I can't wait to start these projects too!  Here are some of my inspirations:

Source: etsy.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Source: u-createcrafts.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Source: makeit-loveit.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Miss T's crib skirt made from the Amy Butler Little Stitches pattern.

Source: etsy.com via Melissa on Pinterest

I can't wait to start tackling this list and giving you updates on my progress.  Maybe I'll even craft a tutorial or two along the way!  I'm really excited about the sleeping gown project.  How cute would it be to have it lined with minky on the inside!?  So soft and comfy!