Thursday, March 17, 2011

Sick Momma

Ok, I've found a new way to top "Mommy Guilt" - The Sick Momma

I rarely get sick.
Of course I get the occasional cold, but as far as really sick?  I'm lucky to say that only happens once every couple of years. 
And by really sick, I mean
the need to sleep for 15 hours in a row - for three days in a row,
body feels like it was run over by a garbage truck,
head is about to explode,
the mere thought of a sip of water or ginger ale is as appetizing as drinking bleach.

The last time I was sick like this, my weight dropped to high school levels.  I remember it clearly, January 2008.  After it passed, I remembered being weak and pale for days.

Well, I've was struck victim again this year.  From Sunday to Tuesday I was racked by - well all the above symptoms, but in addition was The Guilt

See, this time, I have a baby girl to care for, love and be available for.  Even in my disorientation I tried to be present.  I swaddled myself up on the couch with her on a playmat in front of me.  I'm not lying when I say I couldn't even muster up the energy to look at her, nevermind interact, play, smile at her.  I think she could sense trouble brewing.  That day she started making her concerned face.

Thank God for my husband.  For all his germophobia, he remained healthy and took care of Miss T while I slept Sunday away.  At one point around, oh, 5:30 pm, I remember him saying something to the effect of "I'm just going to leave you alone so you can rest".  You know when I saw him next? 1:30am!  Then it was back to bed until 8:00am.

In my pre-mommy days, the second day of a sickness is bearable.  While you may not be able to work, you can manage to provide for yourself - barely.  I was in a panic regarding how I was going to be able to manage for my self and my child!  I actually begged my husband to stay home.  The wonderful man that he is, he called in, again took care of both me and Miss T, and still managed to get some work done.  He's amazing I tell you!

Day three, you can usually drag yourself to work or you can milk it and use it as a "recuperation day".  I had our friend watch T while I slept. 

All this time, The Guilt was building. 
For three days now, I hadn't been able to kiss, hug, or somehow demonstrate my complete infatuation with my baby girl.
I hadn't been able to stimulate her intellect, nurture her curiosity, foster her courage. 
Have I permanently stunted her growth and development?

Ahh, day four.  I actually want to eat.  Of course its just a bagel and I regret eating the whole thing afterwards, but just that I desired to eat was HUGE.  And not just that, I can not only pretend to smile at Miss T, I am grinning ear to ear just to hold her, talk to her, play with her.  While I should have stayed home all day again to rest, we went on a lunch date, me and T.  We played all afternoon.  I got to hug and kiss her goodnight.

We're slowly getting back to normal.  The laundry piles are getting smaller and perhaps I'll actually make a real dinner tonight.  Poor hubby.  He was our big time hero this week.  I love you baby!  Hopefully its another three years until The Sickness strikes again!

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