When I grow up...

It seems that I've been on a particular path for about 87.9% of my life (I actually did the math).  My mom will tell you that from an early age I wanted to be a scientist, wear a lab coat, figure out life, and save the world.  I was always organized (my dolls were arranged in order of size and then based on the color of their outfits, I know, ridiculous), curious, and wanting to know more.  Through high school, I elected to take as many biology classes as I could and went to college for a BS in Biotechnology.  I worked for 6 years as a Research Associate, doing the "research" that other people wanted, not really finding my purpose.  I was starting to get "itchy".  I wanted more than that.  So I went back to school to get my PhD.

Fast forward 5+ years, and here I am, approaching the end of my graduate school career, mere months away from defending my thesis research and earning the elusive title of "Doctor of Philosophy in Molecular Microbiology and Immunology".  I'm also finding that I have no idea what I want to do afterwards.

Huh?

I've been working toward this goal my entire life: to be a scientist, figure out life, and save the world.  Now I'll have the credentials I need to do my own research, to go on and have the most productive research lab in the history of research and get that Nobel Prize by the ripe age of 40.  Right?

Except... now I have a family.

For someone who never even entertained the idea of kids, I love being a mom and its my biggest priority (right after being a good wife!).  My daughter is my world.  I fall asleep thinking of her and wake up thinking of her and every moment in between.  It's also been the most universally challenging and guilt-ridden job I've ever had.  Normally at work, I know immediately (or within a few days) if I've messed up.  I won't know until she's an adult if I've done irreparable damage!

So now, I find myself with completely different priorities than that 4 year old little girl who dreamed of saving the world through science.  I still love it and find it completely fulfilling, but it competes with the time I can spend with my family.  If I stay on the path  I've been on, my days and evenings (and yes, even weekends) will be filled with grant applications, traveling to speaking engagements and conferences on top of research and teaching.  Is there some sort of compromise?  I wish I had the answer.

As I approach the end of my endentured servanthood (i.e. grad student), I am weighing my options.  How important is it to me to do actual research?  Are there other ways I can contribute to society within my field?  What else can I do with my degree?  I've only done research, am I capable of something else?

I've learned a few things from countless seminars, job fairs, etc.  One is that a path one takes to their ultimate profession is never straight.  There are lots of bumps, wrong turns and detours along the way.  It's okay for me to try something else, even if it doesn't work out.  I've also learned that it's never too late to reinvent yourself.  In fact, in this workplace and economy, it's almost essential that you do so every 5-10 years.  Alright, so maybe my next move isn't the decisive factor in who I will be.  Maybe its just a stepping stone or specific experience that makes me stand out in a crowd.  Maybe I don't need to put so much pressure on my choices now.  Maybe I'm ready to try something new.  After all, I tried being a mom and look how much I love that!

Linking up at The Anderson Family Crew

Perspective

You know the feeling when you step off of a roller coaster that was just beyond your threshold for fear?  You think to yourself, "I'm never going to do that again, but at least I got through it".  That's how I feel after these past two weeks.

Almost two weeks ago, I left for the American Society for Virology 30th Annual Meeting.  This was the second time I have attended this meeting and the first time I did an oral presentation.  I am terrified of public speaking.  I shake, my stomach gets twisted in knots and I tend to need a restroom (sorry, TMI!).  I was giving a talk to about 40-50 experts in arenaviruses.  Me!  Telling experts things they don't know yet about their favorite virus!  Nerve wracking?  You bet!  Intimidating?  Without a doubt.  But I came out the other side accomplished, having fielded their questions as well as I could and having given a presentation that I could be proud of.  Phew!, you might think, glad to be off that roller coaster, but that was just the warm up hill.

This was also the first time I was away from Miss T overnight since she was born!  B has managed to get me out for a few date nights here and there, but I always get to go home and watch her perfect sleeping little body and reassure myself that she's ok.  The first couple of days away, there were a few tears and heartaches.  Luckily, my meeting kept me very busy (8:30 am to 10:00 pm!) which provided a good distraction.  Best of all, was that on most days, I could make a quick stop at the local Starbucks and video chat with my loves through FaceTime on our iPhones.  What a huge blessing that is!  The hardest part was waiting for my suitcase on the baggage claim carousel, knowing that that was the only thing keeping me away from my B and my T.  I spent the next day with T, reading books, playing in her pool or splash table and just loving my time with her.  But wait, we're not off that ride yet.  Here come the huge final hill...

While I was away I received news that my mentor had resigned his position at the University and was taking a position at another beginning 9/1/2011.  Mind you, I didn't hear it from him.  And, once I found out about the resignation, I learned that many other people at my meeting knew the day before I did!  "What a jerk!" you might think, or even "How unprofessional!".  Well, I'll get to that.  The bottom line is that he is providing the funding I need to finish this December, I don't need to move with him or change projects as other students have had to do, so it could be much, much worse.  When I returned, I was ready to give it to him.  Unfortunately, he cancelled our meeting and we wouldn't meet for a few more days, approximately a week after his resignation was turned in.  Well, I'm glad I had the few days to cool off.  I was able to make a timeline for completion for my experiments, paper manuscripts, and thesis.  I was able to reassure myself that I can do all of this and get it done in the timeframe provided.  While I waited for our meeting, I learned of all the abuse that he was taking from other people in our institute.  I found myself defending him!  Why shouldn't he be able to take a position that will accelerate his career, that will recognize his expertise and contributions to the field, that will reunite him with his family. 

My mentor grew up in cold war Russia, trained in virology and medicine under the Communist Regime in Moscow.  He first met his current colleague that we collaborate with at the Berlin wall - he was on the East side, she was on the West side.  Here in the states, his wife works for a pharmaceutical company 3 hours away - they only see each other on the weekends.  They have had this living arrangement for the last 11 years!  His sons and grandchildren are even further away.  This move provides him with a way to not only reunite his family (allowing his wife to retire) and to be recognized for the leader in the field that he is.  How could I be mad at him?  Isn't this the exact same thing I want?  To be able to excel in my career and to be reunited with our families back north? 

When we did finally meet to discuss logistics and planning, I mentioned to him that I realized all the abuse he was getting, but that I was happy for him, that I recognized what a great opportunity this was for him, and that I was going to miss him.  He actually started to choke up and squeezed my hand!  My mentor is devoid of emotion, at least on the surface, so to witness this, well of course I started crying.  Par for the course with me!  So while I may have had those horrible thoughts initially, I was able to see things from his perspective and see how this move had nothing to do with me and that in the end, wasn't going to change all that much.  Sure, it's a bit more stressful now and I need to start searching for a postdoctoral position sooner than I thought, but I can handle it.  After all, I managed to be away from Miss T for 5 days and present at a national meeting right?

Because I can't resist, here are a couple of pics of Miss T while I was away...

Missing you!

So I have this wonderful self preservation trick that when there is something that will upset me, I just don't think about it.  It's a wonderful switch that I can flip and then that dark shadow is gone - out of sight, out of mind.  Poof!

clap. clap. (that's me wiping my hands free)

Until the time approaches and all that wonderful, oblivious bliss collapses upon itself into a panic-stricken, terrifying super cell of emotions.

See what a great trick it is?

I have lived in this oblivious state all week now.  Prodding along in my research.  Adjusting a presentation here, wrapping up an experiment there.  Coming home to play with the babe, make dinner, do laundry, chat with the hubby.  All the while, Saturday was approaching.

The collapse happened last night, roughly about 11:00pm.  As I tried in vain to fall asleep, my protective forces broke down and I started to panic.  See, on Saturday morning, I'm getting on a plane to Minneapolis to attend a conference for five days.  I haven't left T (except for work) for more than five hours since she was born.  There was so much to do!  I have to leave the house clean, the laundry done, the pantry stocked.  I have to show Bryan how to wash her diapers, how she likes to be rocked right before going to sleep, our routine of minky-binky-book.  How was I going to get this all done in 36 hours?!?!

And then these lovely thoughts started entering my head:

What if she cries the whole time because she misses me?

What if she doesn't miss me at all?

What if she thinks that K, our babysitter, is her new mom?

Will she not be happy to see me when I get home?  Will she feel abandoned?

Will she know that I still love her?

And those questions continued into the wee hours when I finally fell asleep.

In the light of day, several things are perfectly clear, most importantly:
1. B is a great Dad and can/will handle anything that comes up.
2. T loves me, knows I love her, and will be JUST FINE while I'm away.

Those two thoughts are going to be my mantra the next five days while I try to pay attention to lectures and seminars, while I try to give my own talk, and try to enjoy visiting a new city.  We will be making great use of the iPhone facetime (did I mention that B now has an iPhone too - and loves it so!).

(On a side note, how great of a commercial would that make?  Mom goes away for work all teary eyed and while waiting for the plane, Dad and Baby call on facetime and reassure her it will all be ok.  Apple, are you listening?  You better have cameras waiting for me at the airport!)

Anyhow, in the grand scheme of things, its just five days.  It will fly by.  It will be good for me to get away and get some rest.  It will be great bonding time for B and T.  It will be over before I know it.  B is a great Dad.  T knows I love her. 

B is a great Dad.  T knows I love her. 

B is a great Dad.  T knows I love her...