Ok, I thought it was bad when my December looked like this. But now my days are even worse!
Today, fexample, (taking a deep breath...):
drop T off at daycare this morning
came home to take the dog out one more time
made the spinach artichoke dip for one of three Christmas parties tomorrow that I will bake at 5:00 am tomorrow morning
ran into work to get an experiment started by 9:00 am because it has specific timed steps throughout the day (at 10, 11, 12, 1, 3, 4, and again at 9 and 10pm)
pick up T after work
come home
get ready for B's holiday party (fancy event, I'll be posting my first "What I Wore" post, complete with my DIY bead and ribbon necklace and sweater to cardigan refashion)
go back to work after the party (yep you read that right)
come home and collapse. Phew!
Oh, by the way, I'm 24 weeks pregnant, still getting sick, trying to resubmit a paper, write my thesis and defend my thesis next month.
Ok, that's enough of my pity party. Thanks for letting me get that out!
On a positive note, we are nearly finished getting the Christmas cards mailed out, the above mentioned spinach artichoke dip looks amazing (had to stop myself from eating it raw), and I get to go to a fancy dinner party tonight. Woohoo!
Because I need to add some cuteness to my otherwise self-indulgent vent storm, here is T singing happy birthday on the way home yesterday!
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Perspective
You know the feeling when you step off of a roller coaster that was just beyond your threshold for fear? You think to yourself, "I'm never going to do that again, but at least I got through it". That's how I feel after these past two weeks.
Almost two weeks ago, I left for the American Society for Virology 30th Annual Meeting. This was the second time I have attended this meeting and the first time I did an oral presentation. I am terrified of public speaking. I shake, my stomach gets twisted in knots and I tend to need a restroom (sorry, TMI!). I was giving a talk to about 40-50 experts in arenaviruses. Me! Telling experts things they don't know yet about their favorite virus! Nerve wracking? You bet! Intimidating? Without a doubt. But I came out the other side accomplished, having fielded their questions as well as I could and having given a presentation that I could be proud of. Phew!, you might think, glad to be off that roller coaster, but that was just the warm up hill.
This was also the first time I was away from Miss T overnight since she was born! B has managed to get me out for a few date nights here and there, but I always get to go home and watch her perfect sleeping little body and reassure myself that she's ok. The first couple of days away, there were a few tears and heartaches. Luckily, my meeting kept me very busy (8:30 am to 10:00 pm!) which provided a good distraction. Best of all, was that on most days, I could make a quick stop at the local Starbucks and video chat with my loves through FaceTime on our iPhones. What a huge blessing that is! The hardest part was waiting for my suitcase on the baggage claim carousel, knowing that that was the only thing keeping me away from my B and my T. I spent the next day with T, reading books, playing in her pool or splash table and just loving my time with her. But wait, we're not off that ride yet. Here come the huge final hill...
While I was away I received news that my mentor had resigned his position at the University and was taking a position at another beginning 9/1/2011. Mind you, I didn't hear it from him. And, once I found out about the resignation, I learned that many other people at my meeting knew the day before I did! "What a jerk!" you might think, or even "How unprofessional!". Well, I'll get to that. The bottom line is that he is providing the funding I need to finish this December, I don't need to move with him or change projects as other students have had to do, so it could be much, much worse. When I returned, I was ready to give it to him. Unfortunately, he cancelled our meeting and we wouldn't meet for a few more days, approximately a week after his resignation was turned in. Well, I'm glad I had the few days to cool off. I was able to make a timeline for completion for my experiments, paper manuscripts, and thesis. I was able to reassure myself that I can do all of this and get it done in the timeframe provided. While I waited for our meeting, I learned of all the abuse that he was taking from other people in our institute. I found myself defending him! Why shouldn't he be able to take a position that will accelerate his career, that will recognize his expertise and contributions to the field, that will reunite him with his family.
My mentor grew up in cold war Russia, trained in virology and medicine under the Communist Regime in Moscow. He first met his current colleague that we collaborate with at the Berlin wall - he was on the East side, she was on the West side. Here in the states, his wife works for a pharmaceutical company 3 hours away - they only see each other on the weekends. They have had this living arrangement for the last 11 years! His sons and grandchildren are even further away. This move provides him with a way to not only reunite his family (allowing his wife to retire) and to be recognized for the leader in the field that he is. How could I be mad at him? Isn't this the exact same thing I want? To be able to excel in my career and to be reunited with our families back north?
When we did finally meet to discuss logistics and planning, I mentioned to him that I realized all the abuse he was getting, but that I was happy for him, that I recognized what a great opportunity this was for him, and that I was going to miss him. He actually started to choke up and squeezed my hand! My mentor is devoid of emotion, at least on the surface, so to witness this, well of course I started crying. Par for the course with me! So while I may have had those horrible thoughts initially, I was able to see things from his perspective and see how this move had nothing to do with me and that in the end, wasn't going to change all that much. Sure, it's a bit more stressful now and I need to start searching for a postdoctoral position sooner than I thought, but I can handle it. After all, I managed to be away from Miss T for 5 days and present at a national meeting right?
Because I can't resist, here are a couple of pics of Miss T while I was away...
Almost two weeks ago, I left for the American Society for Virology 30th Annual Meeting. This was the second time I have attended this meeting and the first time I did an oral presentation. I am terrified of public speaking. I shake, my stomach gets twisted in knots and I tend to need a restroom (sorry, TMI!). I was giving a talk to about 40-50 experts in arenaviruses. Me! Telling experts things they don't know yet about their favorite virus! Nerve wracking? You bet! Intimidating? Without a doubt. But I came out the other side accomplished, having fielded their questions as well as I could and having given a presentation that I could be proud of. Phew!, you might think, glad to be off that roller coaster, but that was just the warm up hill.
This was also the first time I was away from Miss T overnight since she was born! B has managed to get me out for a few date nights here and there, but I always get to go home and watch her perfect sleeping little body and reassure myself that she's ok. The first couple of days away, there were a few tears and heartaches. Luckily, my meeting kept me very busy (8:30 am to 10:00 pm!) which provided a good distraction. Best of all, was that on most days, I could make a quick stop at the local Starbucks and video chat with my loves through FaceTime on our iPhones. What a huge blessing that is! The hardest part was waiting for my suitcase on the baggage claim carousel, knowing that that was the only thing keeping me away from my B and my T. I spent the next day with T, reading books, playing in her pool or splash table and just loving my time with her. But wait, we're not off that ride yet. Here come the huge final hill...
While I was away I received news that my mentor had resigned his position at the University and was taking a position at another beginning 9/1/2011. Mind you, I didn't hear it from him. And, once I found out about the resignation, I learned that many other people at my meeting knew the day before I did! "What a jerk!" you might think, or even "How unprofessional!". Well, I'll get to that. The bottom line is that he is providing the funding I need to finish this December, I don't need to move with him or change projects as other students have had to do, so it could be much, much worse. When I returned, I was ready to give it to him. Unfortunately, he cancelled our meeting and we wouldn't meet for a few more days, approximately a week after his resignation was turned in. Well, I'm glad I had the few days to cool off. I was able to make a timeline for completion for my experiments, paper manuscripts, and thesis. I was able to reassure myself that I can do all of this and get it done in the timeframe provided. While I waited for our meeting, I learned of all the abuse that he was taking from other people in our institute. I found myself defending him! Why shouldn't he be able to take a position that will accelerate his career, that will recognize his expertise and contributions to the field, that will reunite him with his family.
My mentor grew up in cold war Russia, trained in virology and medicine under the Communist Regime in Moscow. He first met his current colleague that we collaborate with at the Berlin wall - he was on the East side, she was on the West side. Here in the states, his wife works for a pharmaceutical company 3 hours away - they only see each other on the weekends. They have had this living arrangement for the last 11 years! His sons and grandchildren are even further away. This move provides him with a way to not only reunite his family (allowing his wife to retire) and to be recognized for the leader in the field that he is. How could I be mad at him? Isn't this the exact same thing I want? To be able to excel in my career and to be reunited with our families back north?
When we did finally meet to discuss logistics and planning, I mentioned to him that I realized all the abuse he was getting, but that I was happy for him, that I recognized what a great opportunity this was for him, and that I was going to miss him. He actually started to choke up and squeezed my hand! My mentor is devoid of emotion, at least on the surface, so to witness this, well of course I started crying. Par for the course with me! So while I may have had those horrible thoughts initially, I was able to see things from his perspective and see how this move had nothing to do with me and that in the end, wasn't going to change all that much. Sure, it's a bit more stressful now and I need to start searching for a postdoctoral position sooner than I thought, but I can handle it. After all, I managed to be away from Miss T for 5 days and present at a national meeting right?
Because I can't resist, here are a couple of pics of Miss T while I was away...
Friday, July 15, 2011
Missing you!
So I have this wonderful self preservation trick that when there is something that will upset me, I just don't think about it. It's a wonderful switch that I can flip and then that dark shadow is gone - out of sight, out of mind. Poof!
clap. clap. (that's me wiping my hands free)
Until the time approaches and all that wonderful, oblivious bliss collapses upon itself into a panic-stricken, terrifying super cell of emotions.
See what a great trick it is?
I have lived in this oblivious state all week now. Prodding along in my research. Adjusting a presentation here, wrapping up an experiment there. Coming home to play with the babe, make dinner, do laundry, chat with the hubby. All the while, Saturday was approaching.
The collapse happened last night, roughly about 11:00pm. As I tried in vain to fall asleep, my protective forces broke down and I started to panic. See, on Saturday morning, I'm getting on a plane to Minneapolis to attend a conference for five days. I haven't left T (except for work) for more than five hours since she was born. There was so much to do! I have to leave the house clean, the laundry done, the pantry stocked. I have to show Bryan how to wash her diapers, how she likes to be rocked right before going to sleep, our routine of minky-binky-book. How was I going to get this all done in 36 hours?!?!
And then these lovely thoughts started entering my head:
What if she cries the whole time because she misses me?
What if she doesn't miss me at all?
What if she thinks that K, our babysitter, is her new mom?
Will she not be happy to see me when I get home? Will she feel abandoned?
Will she know that I still love her?
And those questions continued into the wee hours when I finally fell asleep.
In the light of day, several things are perfectly clear, most importantly:
1. B is a great Dad and can/will handle anything that comes up.
2. T loves me, knows I love her, and will be JUST FINE while I'm away.
Those two thoughts are going to be my mantra the next five days while I try to pay attention to lectures and seminars, while I try to give my own talk, and try to enjoy visiting a new city. We will be making great use of the iPhone facetime (did I mention that B now has an iPhone too - and loves it so!).
(On a side note, how great of a commercial would that make? Mom goes away for work all teary eyed and while waiting for the plane, Dad and Baby call on facetime and reassure her it will all be ok. Apple, are you listening? You better have cameras waiting for me at the airport!)
Anyhow, in the grand scheme of things, its just five days. It will fly by. It will be good for me to get away and get some rest. It will be great bonding time for B and T. It will be over before I know it. B is a great Dad. T knows I love her.
B is a great Dad. T knows I love her.
B is a great Dad. T knows I love her...
![]()
![]()
![]()
clap. clap. (that's me wiping my hands free)
Until the time approaches and all that wonderful, oblivious bliss collapses upon itself into a panic-stricken, terrifying super cell of emotions.
See what a great trick it is?
I have lived in this oblivious state all week now. Prodding along in my research. Adjusting a presentation here, wrapping up an experiment there. Coming home to play with the babe, make dinner, do laundry, chat with the hubby. All the while, Saturday was approaching.
The collapse happened last night, roughly about 11:00pm. As I tried in vain to fall asleep, my protective forces broke down and I started to panic. See, on Saturday morning, I'm getting on a plane to Minneapolis to attend a conference for five days. I haven't left T (except for work) for more than five hours since she was born. There was so much to do! I have to leave the house clean, the laundry done, the pantry stocked. I have to show Bryan how to wash her diapers, how she likes to be rocked right before going to sleep, our routine of minky-binky-book. How was I going to get this all done in 36 hours?!?!
And then these lovely thoughts started entering my head:
What if she cries the whole time because she misses me?
What if she doesn't miss me at all?
What if she thinks that K, our babysitter, is her new mom?
Will she not be happy to see me when I get home? Will she feel abandoned?
Will she know that I still love her?
And those questions continued into the wee hours when I finally fell asleep.
In the light of day, several things are perfectly clear, most importantly:
1. B is a great Dad and can/will handle anything that comes up.
2. T loves me, knows I love her, and will be JUST FINE while I'm away.
Those two thoughts are going to be my mantra the next five days while I try to pay attention to lectures and seminars, while I try to give my own talk, and try to enjoy visiting a new city. We will be making great use of the iPhone facetime (did I mention that B now has an iPhone too - and loves it so!).
(On a side note, how great of a commercial would that make? Mom goes away for work all teary eyed and while waiting for the plane, Dad and Baby call on facetime and reassure her it will all be ok. Apple, are you listening? You better have cameras waiting for me at the airport!)
Anyhow, in the grand scheme of things, its just five days. It will fly by. It will be good for me to get away and get some rest. It will be great bonding time for B and T. It will be over before I know it. B is a great Dad. T knows I love her.
B is a great Dad. T knows I love her.
B is a great Dad. T knows I love her...
Friday, June 17, 2011
Daycare Blues
This week's focus has been on finding daycare for my baby. Not an easy task made more difficult by living in a city like mine. I spent the day on Tuesday calling nearly 20 places only to find two that had openings!
I visited those places yesterday and the results were less than appealing.
Let's just start by saying that yesterday was a bad day all around. I had to bring our little Joey in for dental surgery at 8:00 am. I cried when they counselled me about the risks of anesthesia. I am completely aware of all these risks already, so I'm not sure why I started crying. (He did fine, one tooth pulled and a deep scaling. Poor baby!) Next I get to work only to spend the day trying to order the one test that I need to complete my manuscript for a journal article. My boss has been MIA for three weeks now, the ordering account is expired and I'm stuck. Grrr.
Anyways, the first place was overwhelmingly loud, not secure, and there were people outside at a bus stop drinking from a paper bag and swearing all over the place. Not sure why I did, but I scolded the man dropping F-bombs like it was his job. I mean seriously, have some tact in front of little ears!
The second place was in a home daycare in a dark, semi-finished basement and the kids were all watching a movie. I mean, television was built into their schedule! On occasion I let Miss T watch TV (I can count it on my two hands), but to have it as part of her daily routine?
I felt bad about having such negative feelings for both. At both places, the women were super nice. I would have no problem with them coming to my house to watch Miss T. But the thought of me leaving her in either place had me sobbing in my car.
Well, we picked up Joey and went home. It was late and I still had to bring Druha to the park and it was about to start raining. I checked the radar and figured we had about 20-30 minutes. Just enough time for a quick run around the park and walk home. Nope. As my day would have it, we got caught in a RIDICULOUS down pour. I couldn't even see with all the water pouring down and getting into my eyes. Miss T was screaming, soaked and shivering. We tried to run for it, but since I was so blinded, we instead hid out under the deck of one of my neighbors. After a few minutes, it let up enough that we could finish our run home. No bath needed that night! Poor thing, Miss T was so cold, I raced her upstairs, dried her off and put her in long sleeved and long pant PJs. After all that, I burned her dinner. Cannot get a break.
My wonderful, patient husband brought home dinner for us. He let me cry and sulk and just be mad about the day.
In my broken down state, I finally reached out in desperation. This is a turning point for me. I have always been of the mind set that if it can be done, I can do it myself without any help. I have such a hard time asking for anything! At this point, I was desperate and I sent a group email to the ladies of my church that work in the nurseries with me. The response was amazing. I literally sent the email right before bed and I had at least three responses before I even got under the covers! These women are amazing! They are praying for us to find a solution and offering recommendations and solutions themselves! I am in a completely different mind set today than I was yesterday because of all of their encouragement! I am taking this as a lesson to me that I need to be able to reach out more when I need help, and to be able to recognize when I can't do it myself.
I'm sure my husband will smile when he reads this as this is a lesson that I've needed to learn for a long, long, time.
I visited those places yesterday and the results were less than appealing.
Let's just start by saying that yesterday was a bad day all around. I had to bring our little Joey in for dental surgery at 8:00 am. I cried when they counselled me about the risks of anesthesia. I am completely aware of all these risks already, so I'm not sure why I started crying. (He did fine, one tooth pulled and a deep scaling. Poor baby!) Next I get to work only to spend the day trying to order the one test that I need to complete my manuscript for a journal article. My boss has been MIA for three weeks now, the ordering account is expired and I'm stuck. Grrr.
Anyways, the first place was overwhelmingly loud, not secure, and there were people outside at a bus stop drinking from a paper bag and swearing all over the place. Not sure why I did, but I scolded the man dropping F-bombs like it was his job. I mean seriously, have some tact in front of little ears!
The second place was in a home daycare in a dark, semi-finished basement and the kids were all watching a movie. I mean, television was built into their schedule! On occasion I let Miss T watch TV (I can count it on my two hands), but to have it as part of her daily routine?
I felt bad about having such negative feelings for both. At both places, the women were super nice. I would have no problem with them coming to my house to watch Miss T. But the thought of me leaving her in either place had me sobbing in my car.
Well, we picked up Joey and went home. It was late and I still had to bring Druha to the park and it was about to start raining. I checked the radar and figured we had about 20-30 minutes. Just enough time for a quick run around the park and walk home. Nope. As my day would have it, we got caught in a RIDICULOUS down pour. I couldn't even see with all the water pouring down and getting into my eyes. Miss T was screaming, soaked and shivering. We tried to run for it, but since I was so blinded, we instead hid out under the deck of one of my neighbors. After a few minutes, it let up enough that we could finish our run home. No bath needed that night! Poor thing, Miss T was so cold, I raced her upstairs, dried her off and put her in long sleeved and long pant PJs. After all that, I burned her dinner. Cannot get a break.
My wonderful, patient husband brought home dinner for us. He let me cry and sulk and just be mad about the day.
In my broken down state, I finally reached out in desperation. This is a turning point for me. I have always been of the mind set that if it can be done, I can do it myself without any help. I have such a hard time asking for anything! At this point, I was desperate and I sent a group email to the ladies of my church that work in the nurseries with me. The response was amazing. I literally sent the email right before bed and I had at least three responses before I even got under the covers! These women are amazing! They are praying for us to find a solution and offering recommendations and solutions themselves! I am in a completely different mind set today than I was yesterday because of all of their encouragement! I am taking this as a lesson to me that I need to be able to reach out more when I need help, and to be able to recognize when I can't do it myself.
I'm sure my husband will smile when he reads this as this is a lesson that I've needed to learn for a long, long, time.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Compliments of the Shine Challenge
Everyone has "that" person at work.
C'mon, you know who I'm talking about.
The person that no matter what you do, it isn't good enough.
The person that is always so quick to point out your faults and mistakes
(and yet can never admit their own).
The person that you have just accepted that you cannot get along with -
and you've grown comfortable with that strained relationship.
I came upon a blog today by the lovely Ashley.
She beautiful - isn't she?
Even better is that she's even more beautiful inside!
She dreams of changing the world and has started The Shine Project.
She's encouraging us all to step out of our comfort zones
and bring light,
love
and hope to the world.
It's a small sacrifice for us to make a huge difference in the world!
She's even come up with some amazing weekly challenges!
This week's challenge is
A compliment a day keeps low confidence away!
I love this idea! I'm in!
You know that person I mentioned earlier,
the one that I've grown comfortable not liking?
I don't like that about me, that I can be comfortable with that.
I decided that for day one of my compliment week, I would make it a good one.
Sure, I could tell L that I love her shoe collection.
I could tell K that I love her accent.
- but those are only surface things.
The small effort on my part would only share a little joy.
I figured I would make this first compliment a doozy.
I went up to that person that I "love to hate".
(eww, I don't like that word, but I have to be honest, right?)
I told him that I really liked his presentation today (true),
that he gave me a lot of things to think about (also true),
and that we should work together in the future (yep, this one is true too).
I don't think I breathed until after our conversation.
Just approaching him, my stomach was full of butterflies.
After though? I felt GREAT!
And, I could tell he appreciated my compliment.
I know this project is to bring hope and joy to others,
but this time, I was filled with hope!
While we may never be BFFs,
I hope we can grow into a relationship of mutual respect
and maybe it all started with just one step out in faith.
BTW, I'm pretty sure God has a sense of humor.
My boss approached me and told me that the three of us
(me, him, and the above)
need to meet next week to discuss a project together.
Thanks God. ;D
-Melissa
C'mon, you know who I'm talking about.
The person that no matter what you do, it isn't good enough.
The person that is always so quick to point out your faults and mistakes
(and yet can never admit their own).
The person that you have just accepted that you cannot get along with -
and you've grown comfortable with that strained relationship.
I came upon a blog today by the lovely Ashley.
She beautiful - isn't she?
Even better is that she's even more beautiful inside!
She dreams of changing the world and has started The Shine Project.
She's encouraging us all to step out of our comfort zones
and bring light,
love
and hope to the world.
It's a small sacrifice for us to make a huge difference in the world!
She's even come up with some amazing weekly challenges!
This week's challenge is
A compliment a day keeps low confidence away!
I love this idea! I'm in!
You know that person I mentioned earlier,
the one that I've grown comfortable not liking?
I don't like that about me, that I can be comfortable with that.
I decided that for day one of my compliment week, I would make it a good one.
Sure, I could tell L that I love her shoe collection.
I could tell K that I love her accent.
- but those are only surface things.
The small effort on my part would only share a little joy.
I figured I would make this first compliment a doozy.
I went up to that person that I "love to hate".
(eww, I don't like that word, but I have to be honest, right?)
I told him that I really liked his presentation today (true),
that he gave me a lot of things to think about (also true),
and that we should work together in the future (yep, this one is true too).
I don't think I breathed until after our conversation.
Just approaching him, my stomach was full of butterflies.
After though? I felt GREAT!
And, I could tell he appreciated my compliment.
I know this project is to bring hope and joy to others,
but this time, I was filled with hope!
While we may never be BFFs,
I hope we can grow into a relationship of mutual respect
and maybe it all started with just one step out in faith.
BTW, I'm pretty sure God has a sense of humor.
My boss approached me and told me that the three of us
(me, him, and the above)
need to meet next week to discuss a project together.
Thanks God. ;D
-Melissa
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