Hiking Trip Wrap Up

Warning: Prepare yourself for picture overload!

Well, we're back to real life.  Back in the city, back to doing laundry and making dinner for 3 (really 2, T barely eats what I make), back to the sirens and police chases through our neighborhood.  Seriously.  Welcome home, huh?

Anyways, its the escape from real life that makes our annual NH hiking trip so amazing.  Fresh woodsy air, beautiful scenery, great food and friends, quick visits with family on our way up and back down. 

Seriously, we wake up every morning to this view.  How can you beat this?

Despite my irrational, hormone fueled paranoia last week about taking T hiking, we did actually make it out for a short hike.  I was worried that the rest of our party wouldn't be as interested in a "family friendly" hike, seeing as in past years we have climbed 1500 feet in elevation over 4 miles, but given that the weather was questionable the whole weekend, it actually worked out.  We took a nice 1.5 mile hike to "Diana's Baths".  The path was wide, clear and pretty flat.  There were streams alongside and a massive waterfall at the end. 

We stayed far, far away from the waterfall (insert paranoia here), but were able to view its beauty from afar.  T got to pick up pinecones, leaves, rocks.  She got to jump little streams (with help), climb on boulders, and stand on tree stumps.  She waved "Bye" to everything.  I was so happy she got to get outside and experience all of that.  It breaks my heart that she doesn't have a backyard to explore the world in right now, and I'm not about to let her explore the city parks where dogs and people relieve themselves and people abuse drugs.

Anyways, the weekend is much more than just hiking.  The friends we meet up with there every year are the kind of friends that no matter how far away you live or how infrequently they see you, you know they've got you back.  In fact, recently, we were trying to find a way to make a move back up north.  In the end, it just wasn't going to work, but one of these friends was willing to open their home to us to give us time to find a new house.  Can you imagine? Two adults, one child (and one more about to makes its appearance, a dog and two cats and they were still willing to let us stay with them?  Now that's friendship!

We ate gluttonously all weekend.  Pepperjack mac and cheese, amazing homemade tomato soup with the grilled cheese spectacular (Oh my word, it was sooooooo good!), vegetarian chili, braised pork tacos (ok, veggie tacos for me), pancakes, egg and cheese sandwiches, never mind the brownies, Chex mix, chips and dip, etc.  Oy.  If I was feeling 100% the entire weekend, I would have gained 20 pounds!  Luckily (?), I'm still feeling nauseous regularly and vomiting occasionally (sorry hiking trip ladies for the reality check, but that's pregnancy!).

But really, the best part about the trip was just being able to relax with my family and our amazing friends, getting to watch T play with the two little boys that were there and watching her attach herself to our friend Karen.  I truly have never seen her adore someone so quickly!  There were no schedules, no timelines, nothing that had to be done ever.  Ahhh, it was so peaceful!

During out last stop at my in-laws (I love them!  Have I mentioned this before?), T got to play with her cousin K for a while.  It was so sweet to watch them instantly bond.  I have visions of the two of them spending a week or two at the grandparents over the coming summers and beign the closest friends.  Here's a pic of them "helping" Grandpa feed the birds and playing with K's new bro, D.  So cute!

Gosh, I love those smiles!!

Perspective

You know the feeling when you step off of a roller coaster that was just beyond your threshold for fear?  You think to yourself, "I'm never going to do that again, but at least I got through it".  That's how I feel after these past two weeks.

Almost two weeks ago, I left for the American Society for Virology 30th Annual Meeting.  This was the second time I have attended this meeting and the first time I did an oral presentation.  I am terrified of public speaking.  I shake, my stomach gets twisted in knots and I tend to need a restroom (sorry, TMI!).  I was giving a talk to about 40-50 experts in arenaviruses.  Me!  Telling experts things they don't know yet about their favorite virus!  Nerve wracking?  You bet!  Intimidating?  Without a doubt.  But I came out the other side accomplished, having fielded their questions as well as I could and having given a presentation that I could be proud of.  Phew!, you might think, glad to be off that roller coaster, but that was just the warm up hill.

This was also the first time I was away from Miss T overnight since she was born!  B has managed to get me out for a few date nights here and there, but I always get to go home and watch her perfect sleeping little body and reassure myself that she's ok.  The first couple of days away, there were a few tears and heartaches.  Luckily, my meeting kept me very busy (8:30 am to 10:00 pm!) which provided a good distraction.  Best of all, was that on most days, I could make a quick stop at the local Starbucks and video chat with my loves through FaceTime on our iPhones.  What a huge blessing that is!  The hardest part was waiting for my suitcase on the baggage claim carousel, knowing that that was the only thing keeping me away from my B and my T.  I spent the next day with T, reading books, playing in her pool or splash table and just loving my time with her.  But wait, we're not off that ride yet.  Here come the huge final hill...

While I was away I received news that my mentor had resigned his position at the University and was taking a position at another beginning 9/1/2011.  Mind you, I didn't hear it from him.  And, once I found out about the resignation, I learned that many other people at my meeting knew the day before I did!  "What a jerk!" you might think, or even "How unprofessional!".  Well, I'll get to that.  The bottom line is that he is providing the funding I need to finish this December, I don't need to move with him or change projects as other students have had to do, so it could be much, much worse.  When I returned, I was ready to give it to him.  Unfortunately, he cancelled our meeting and we wouldn't meet for a few more days, approximately a week after his resignation was turned in.  Well, I'm glad I had the few days to cool off.  I was able to make a timeline for completion for my experiments, paper manuscripts, and thesis.  I was able to reassure myself that I can do all of this and get it done in the timeframe provided.  While I waited for our meeting, I learned of all the abuse that he was taking from other people in our institute.  I found myself defending him!  Why shouldn't he be able to take a position that will accelerate his career, that will recognize his expertise and contributions to the field, that will reunite him with his family. 

My mentor grew up in cold war Russia, trained in virology and medicine under the Communist Regime in Moscow.  He first met his current colleague that we collaborate with at the Berlin wall - he was on the East side, she was on the West side.  Here in the states, his wife works for a pharmaceutical company 3 hours away - they only see each other on the weekends.  They have had this living arrangement for the last 11 years!  His sons and grandchildren are even further away.  This move provides him with a way to not only reunite his family (allowing his wife to retire) and to be recognized for the leader in the field that he is.  How could I be mad at him?  Isn't this the exact same thing I want?  To be able to excel in my career and to be reunited with our families back north? 

When we did finally meet to discuss logistics and planning, I mentioned to him that I realized all the abuse he was getting, but that I was happy for him, that I recognized what a great opportunity this was for him, and that I was going to miss him.  He actually started to choke up and squeezed my hand!  My mentor is devoid of emotion, at least on the surface, so to witness this, well of course I started crying.  Par for the course with me!  So while I may have had those horrible thoughts initially, I was able to see things from his perspective and see how this move had nothing to do with me and that in the end, wasn't going to change all that much.  Sure, it's a bit more stressful now and I need to start searching for a postdoctoral position sooner than I thought, but I can handle it.  After all, I managed to be away from Miss T for 5 days and present at a national meeting right?

Because I can't resist, here are a couple of pics of Miss T while I was away...

Missing you!

So I have this wonderful self preservation trick that when there is something that will upset me, I just don't think about it.  It's a wonderful switch that I can flip and then that dark shadow is gone - out of sight, out of mind.  Poof!

clap. clap. (that's me wiping my hands free)

Until the time approaches and all that wonderful, oblivious bliss collapses upon itself into a panic-stricken, terrifying super cell of emotions.

See what a great trick it is?

I have lived in this oblivious state all week now.  Prodding along in my research.  Adjusting a presentation here, wrapping up an experiment there.  Coming home to play with the babe, make dinner, do laundry, chat with the hubby.  All the while, Saturday was approaching.

The collapse happened last night, roughly about 11:00pm.  As I tried in vain to fall asleep, my protective forces broke down and I started to panic.  See, on Saturday morning, I'm getting on a plane to Minneapolis to attend a conference for five days.  I haven't left T (except for work) for more than five hours since she was born.  There was so much to do!  I have to leave the house clean, the laundry done, the pantry stocked.  I have to show Bryan how to wash her diapers, how she likes to be rocked right before going to sleep, our routine of minky-binky-book.  How was I going to get this all done in 36 hours?!?!

And then these lovely thoughts started entering my head:

What if she cries the whole time because she misses me?

What if she doesn't miss me at all?

What if she thinks that K, our babysitter, is her new mom?

Will she not be happy to see me when I get home?  Will she feel abandoned?

Will she know that I still love her?

And those questions continued into the wee hours when I finally fell asleep.

In the light of day, several things are perfectly clear, most importantly:
1. B is a great Dad and can/will handle anything that comes up.
2. T loves me, knows I love her, and will be JUST FINE while I'm away.

Those two thoughts are going to be my mantra the next five days while I try to pay attention to lectures and seminars, while I try to give my own talk, and try to enjoy visiting a new city.  We will be making great use of the iPhone facetime (did I mention that B now has an iPhone too - and loves it so!).

(On a side note, how great of a commercial would that make?  Mom goes away for work all teary eyed and while waiting for the plane, Dad and Baby call on facetime and reassure her it will all be ok.  Apple, are you listening?  You better have cameras waiting for me at the airport!)

Anyhow, in the grand scheme of things, its just five days.  It will fly by.  It will be good for me to get away and get some rest.  It will be great bonding time for B and T.  It will be over before I know it.  B is a great Dad.  T knows I love her. 

B is a great Dad.  T knows I love her. 

B is a great Dad.  T knows I love her...