So encouraged

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support I received after yesterday's blog post.  So many of you commented, sent private messages, text messages or called to encourage me and send your love.  Thank you so much for everything!  I am truly lucky because of the love and support I receive from all of you - my extended family!

In particular, I'd like to thank a couple of people.  My sister- and brother-in-law have benefitted from Early Intervention with their daughter for 4 years now.  I know we have benefitted from what you have learned from them!  You guys are a testament to true parental dedication.  Every time we visit, we see K's amazing progress.  I so enjoyed talking with her this last trip and understanding her so easily!  EI has definitely been working for her!  She is an amazing little girl who we love so much!  It is heart breaking when she is mistreated for being "different" when she is no different at all!  K is a beautiful, sweet, fun, loving girl and we are so thankful she is part of our family and such a good friend to T!

Two weeks after your wedding and still in love! :)

My cousin, E, thank you for your support and understanding yesterday.  I can't imagine hearing those words about not one, but two babies at the same time!  I totally facebook stalk you and love to see their progress and how they are definitely thriving now!  You've got your hands full with three littles, but its easy to see what a great mom you are!  Thanks for the love!

We both had on some interesting prints that year! Haha!

My BFF, J! You have been there for me since 6th grade!!  Remember the BFF heart necklaces?  I would totally wear your other half still. ;)  I love you so much and treasure your friendship.  Its more than that, you are my sister. Muah!

Love how I and T are eyeing each other here!

My mom.  What can I say?  Now that I'm a mom, I'd like to apologize for all the heartache I caused you growing up, and maybe still cause!  Really though, I'm ok.  I tend to let my worried and sad thoughts come out on "paper" and just roll with and enjoy the good times.  As such, my blog gets a little unbalanced.  You know better than anyone that I have always struggled with demanding more of myself than I should, that I always felt/feel the need to be perfect, etc.  I'd like to say I'm getting better about it, but I really just find more things to "challenge" myself.  Its just who I am.  I do recognize it though, and make a conscious effort to make sure my girls know it is okay to make mistakes.

K was so tiny the last time you visited!

And to everyone else, thanks again for the outpouring of love.  You guys are the best!  I'm thankful that I have this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and experiences and even more thankful that you guys actually read it!  Whether you are family, BFFs, old classmates, long lost friends, or colleagues, you all have helped this momma through some darker times and allowed me to share some of our joys and accomplishments.  Thanks for all your feedback and for reading!

Early Intervention

What is it about the phrase "Early Intervention" that makes me feel like a failure, like a mom who just can't hack it, like I'm letting my kids down?

"I have a PhD, for crying out loud, why can't I fix this?", is one of the many ongoing accusatory conversations going on in my head.

Is it just me, or do all moms continually beat themselves up like this and hold themselves accountable for every little thing?

Since K's 9 month check up, we've been in catch up mode: catch up on weight, catch up on length, catch up on social skills, catch up on gross motor skills.  To her credit, she's actually accomplished a lot in a few weeks, even if it was delayed.  Scooting, crawling, sitting up, and lots of babbles.  But it wasn't enough and we sat through screening yesterday to see if she qualified for early intervention services.  Her communication skills were behind, just a little, and we're going to watch those to see if she catches up in the next few months.  Her gross motor skills had improved drastically and she was actually doing okay in that category, except for the way she places her feet, qualifying her for services to correct her atypical behavior.

Coming out of the appointment, my husband and I were in separate worlds.  To him, the appointment went great!  She showed them all the things she could do.  The two major deficiencies were either something we could watch and coach, or were physical and now she would see specialists that could help her.

As for me, I broke down crying as we walked out of the doctors office.  How could I have failed my baby so badly?

Its amazing how mother's guilt can take over and block out all rational thought.  Of course, my husband was right.  I didn't do anything to make her hold her feet funny.  But those thoughts couldn't break through the mommy-guilt.  Through the rest of the day, my emotions were just barely held back as I tried to focus on work.  Afterwards, I pick up the girls and hugged them both a little tighter than usual.

In the light of the next day, I'm feeling slightly better about what lies ahead, but there's still a nagging guilt just out of my line of sight.  I know in five years, none of this is going to matter and I'll be talking with her about gymnastics or ballet and she'll be just fine.  I'm just going to need a pep talk or two along the way to keep drowning in my own guilt.

I should mention that K did awesome in some categories, putting her achievement beyond her age, like in the receptive communication skills and fine motor skills.  All together, its a lesson to me that we all excel at some things and not others.  I guess that starts very early in life!