Monday Blues

I've noticed these past few months that Mondays are hard days for my girls.  We've just spent the weekend together doing family things: errands, big breakfast, trip to the playground or zoo.  We really make the most of those two days together.

Come Monday, the fun grinds to a halt and we're back in the zone: get up, get dressed, eat up, get your coat on and get out the door.  T seems especially sad on Mondays.  Sometimes she shows it by being thoughtful and drawn inward.  Sometimes, she's outright defiant and pushing every-single-button.  Most times, she just doesn't say goodbye as we drop Daddy off or give me kisses as I leave her at daycare.

Mondays are hard.

Yesterday, she was especially sad.  Knowing that we have a long weekend and a trip home coming up, I thought I would cheer her up with this good news.  She responded well and seemed much happier.  She loves going to Grammie's house and seeing her "friends", aka her cousins.

A few more minutes into our trip, K started to whine and howl.  Being the amazing big sister she is, T tried to comfort her with this, "Don't worry K.  Just a few days of school and then they won't leave us anymore!".

That was the sound of my heart breaking.

I spent a couple more minutes hugging her yesterday morning, and afternoon, and night, and again this morning.  I reminded her how much we love her and that we miss her too during the day.  I also reminded her how much she loves her teacher Ms. Vecky and how much fun she has at daycare.  Maybe all we need is a good long vacation together.  Maybe I just needed a reminder that I have amazing daughters who love their mom and dad so much.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm doing something right.

Juggling Act

As a post-doc and a mother of two (2.5 years old and 9 months old), I’m often asked “How do you do it?”

The truthful answer is – barely.

I’m certainly not excelling in any area of my life, whether as a post-doc, wife, or mother.  I’m really just getting by in each area. On top of that, I have no life.  Seriously, if you asked me today what I do for fun, I would have no idea how to answer you.  I used to do lots of things – go out with friends, go running or hiking, read a book, sew, go shopping, go to the movies, etc.  My weekends are now filled with laundry, errands, and wiping bums.

I love it.

You might not have expected that, right?  How could that be fun?  If not fun, it is incredibly fulfilling.  I have a job I love, a supportive husband, two beautiful girls, what more could I ask for?  Ok, maybe more sleep.

10 years ago, when I was struggling with the decision to go back to school or not, the lingering doubt in my mind was whether there would ever be a “good” time to have a family and would I be willing to make sacrifices in order to “have it all”.  Luckily, a good friend and colleague of mine had just finished her post-doc, was just starting her family, and wished she hadn’t waited, telling me that grad school was the most flexible time of her life.  I took her advice and experiences to heart and had my first daughter a few months after proposing my thesis research and my second just one month after defending that research.

In order to make it all work, I need support in every aspect of my life.  I need a husband that is willing to step in and assume some of my roles/duties when I need to go to work at midnight for growth curve media collection, and I need a boss that understands that daycare closes at 5:30 and I need to be out of here in time to pick up my littles.  It’s definitely a juggling act and one slip could cause everything to crash.  I live in a constant state of anxiety and guilt, feeling that I’m not living up to expectations.  But those expectations are only imposed by me.  If I stop to listen to the people around me, asking how I do it, it’s because we’re succeeding, somehow. 

Somehow, my experiments get done. 

Somehow, my children are clean, fed, and well behaved.  

Somehow, my husband and I have 30 minutes each night to crash on the couch together and just catch our breath.

I tell myself, over and over, that all things are temporary and this crazy phase of life will soon pass…, only to be replaced by new kinds of crazy (think ballet lessons, grant deadlines, etc.).  But it’s working, and I have so much to be proud of.  So, while I may not be winning prestigious awards or getting nominated for Mommy-of-the-Year anytime soon, I am awarded with happy kids and a husband that love me, and slow-but-steady progression of research.

Also posted on my nerdy blog at http://postdocexperience.scienceblog.com/2013/01/08/juggling-act/

First Day

I may not be normal, but when I was a kid, I looked forward to the first day of school.  I know, total nerd.  I always had at least one new outfit that I couldn't wait to wear and planned it out weeks in advance.  I looked forward to meeting my teacher, and usually a new group of kids since we always seemed to move mid-summer.  I love the excitement and anticipation of the school year with all the promises of new experiences and lessons to be learned.

Turns out, as an adult, I'm still that same little girl.  I've had my outfit for today planned for weeks, as well as the girls.  Yep, we all coordinated, with pillowcase dresses for the girls make by moi.  I've been packing bags for K and making lists all week.  When the carbon monoxide detector started beeping at 11:00 pm last night, it didn't matter because I was wide awake.  The alarm was set for 6:00am, but I was up at 5:15am.

The morning didn't go as smoothly as I would have liked.  I didn't get the group picture of us girls that I was hoping for and we got out the door late.  I think I pulled an eye muscle trying not to cry as I left T and K at daycare (did you know you could even do that??!!).  But, I was determined not to let that dictate the rest of my day.

Hey, at least I'm smiling...

My day was filled with paperwork and running from one office to another.  The academic world is not quite as efficient as the corporate world!  I had blisters on my feet and tired legs by the time I left to go get the girls, but it felt great to be working again.  I've got a lot to learn, a lot of literature to catch up on, and so many people and places to see.  I'm a bit overwhelmed by the atmosphere and the reputation of this institution, but I'm determined to show that I belong here and I'm going to make it a better place by having been here!  And, if nothing else, I get to come home everyday to the best husband and two amazing little girls that I love and cherish!

I got to snuggle this little girl at the end of a very long first day!

Mummy's Last Hurrah

If you've been following along, you know that I go back to work next week and have been nesting like crazy getting ready for this major transition: two working parents and two kids.  Oy!  I've been plugging away at the new projects on my desk and I actually have it all cleared off again!  I've had some other non-sewing related things to take care of as well.  We are upgrading to a family miniv- Ha!  Ya right!  We are actually getting an SUV and to make sure we are getting the best possible trade in value, I recently took our car to get detailed.  The process takes 4 hours and, as a courtesy, you are given a two-seater Smart Car.  Carseats don't work well in two-seaters, though, so K spent a morning at daycare with T. This caused two things to happen.  1. Some of my anxiety about K starting daycare was relieved, and 2. I got to spend several hours A-L-O-N-E!!!!!  I kept a little photo diary about my day...

 Driving this guy took some getting used to!  It felt like it was going to explode right before it would shift!  I'll probably never own one, but I felt very European driving it!

First stop, breakfast - ALONE!  Have I mentioned the gloriousness of being alone yet?  Breakfast didn't last very long though.  Since becoming a parent, I've learned to eat very quickly, regardless of whether or not my food it so hot that it is scalding my tongue!

 Second stop, the mall!  I don't even remember the last time I was in a mall by myself, perhaps greater than two years ago?  I needed to find a dress for a wedding this weekend.  Unfortunately, since breakfast was so quick, I got here before the stores opened.  It was okay, it gave me some time to walk around and window shop.  However, instead of window shopping for me, I kept gravitating towards Carter's, Gymboree, Baby Gap.  Cue the tears.  I actually had to sit down for a moment to collect myself.  I think I'm going to miss being home with K more than I thought I would...

First store, Ann Taylor Loft and total SCORE!  I ended up buying the second dress I tried on.  And, I got to go down a size, double bonus!

Before I knew it, our car was ready.  I enjoyed a few more moments of freedom right here before real life settled in again and I headed to the grocery store.  The best part of my day?  Picking up K and getting a good report.  She actually ate (a little), slept fine, and was smiling and laughing.  She had a great morning too!  I was so relieved and a lot of my anxieties about her eating were eased.  The transition next week may be rough, but we can do it and we will all survive.

The Sickies

If you're a regular, you saw how my day went from gloom to glory on Thursday.  Then things took a turn for the worse.  Miss T got sick and B had to go back to his meeting.  T had a fever and was cranky, whiny, and clingy all day and I just had to get stuff done at work.  Luckily, my hero, Colleen came to our rescue for a few hours and with mere minutes to spare, I was able to finish what I needed to do and come home.  Just before I got home, I received this picture of my babe:

Now my child is not the kind to just fall asleep anywhere; rarely in her carseat, almost never outside of her crib.  For her to have fallen asleep on the couch told me she was really, really sick.  Sure enough, her temp was 102.5F.  Poor thing.  We spent the next two days on the couch watching Sesame Street.  Despite my own nausea and urges to be sick, I stayed by her hot little side.  The sweet girl that she is, she kept trying to be happy and be interested in things, but you could tell just how miserable she was.

We did do some little crafts to take breaks from TV.  We made welcome home cards for B inspired by our (really, my) favorite night-night book "Guess How Much I Love You", and I finally got around to making something with her seashells and pebbles from the beach this summer.

Saturday night, she was still on fire, but was clearly feeling better.  I could only hope that the next day, her fever would be gone.  This little girl happily appeared Sunday morning!

Just look at those pigtails!  Those were her first!  And, yes, she picked out the Ugg-like boots.  This girl loves shoes and I love letting her choose her footwear every day.  Sometimes I nix her choices, like flip-flops on a cold rainy day, but most of the time, she does a pretty decent job!  I'm so glad she's better.  I knew to expect the sickies now that she's in daycare, but its just such a horrible helpless feeling to know you can't do anything to make your child better.  Ah, well, all is back to normal.  B is home, T is in daycare, and I'm back at work.  I'll leave you with one last close up of those piggie tails!  Love them!

p.s. Don't mind the blur, all pics taken with my iPhone!
p.p.s She became sooo attached to her minky and binky while sick, it will take us days to break her of it!

Daycare Education

Things T has learned at Daycare recently

Let me start by saying that I love the daycare we found for T. Everytime I think there might be an issue, all of my concerns are put to rest and then some. She loves it there and I love bringing her there.

I think there might be some enhancement of her learning in the presence of other kids.

Here are my favorites so far:

She has learned what sound the letter B makes.

She has peed on the potty once (and clapped for herself upon doing so!).

T has learned where her elbow is. Constantly, for the last week, the girl looks like she's about to put down a serious wrestling move on the next person to look at her funny. You've been warned.

She has learned where her armpit is. Great. Musicals to follow.

T has also learned where her tongue is, and she likes to show it to you - the whole thing!

She has learned where her belly button is. She likes to find it, despite whatever outfit she is wearing. She will pull her shirt (or dress) up, almost over her head, look down, push in her little belly to find her button and stick her finger as far into her belly button as she can. It looks painful.

Aside from all this, she is also learning a ton about social interaction and gaining confidence - so awesome! The first two weeks, she would cling to the closest part of me that should could grab. Now, I put her down and off she goes. I'm the one clinging to her before I leave!  Is there somewhere I can go that will build my confidence?

T's first day of daycare and Mummy has a breakdown

So after months and months of searching for the right day care (see here, here and here), Miss T is finally starting today.  Her first day was supposed to be yesterday, but Hurricane Irene had other plans so T and I got one more sweet Monday together. 

Last night, I made sure I packed up all the things that T would need for today:
12 cloth diapers (2 day supply plus a couple of extra, just in case)
2 binkies
1 new homemade snuggle blanket with soft furry side
1 blanket
1 set of extra clothes
1 weekly payment

Of course I didn't sleep all night.  I kept telling myself, "No, I'm not nervous for T. I'm not sad about her going to daycare.  It's just another day".  Apparently, from 1:30am on, I wasn't buying it, no sleep for Mummy!

We got up, got dressed right away, had a snack of blueberries and milk and we were on our way.  Took 12 minutes to get there (about 20 for me to get back!).

T was welcomed by her teacher, Ms. Vicky, one of the other sweet girls near T's age, and Ms. Vicky's two youngest children (still home from school because of Irene).  It was a very sweet welcome, T was overwhelmed though!  She clung to my arm, my finger, my sweater, anything she could grab.  Gradually, the other little girl, E, enticed T with some foam counting fish and a doll house.  She started to explore a bit, but kept checking to see if I was there.  Then the whole gang went out to the yard for some outside time.  T got startled a little again, but then got very interested in the splash tables.  She was completely engrossed and I got the nod from her teacher that I could go.  Ms. Vicky must have seen the look on my face and said "Don't worry, she'll be fine" to which I responded "I know", but it came out much like Peter Brady's cracking pubescent voice "I kn-know". 

No sooner did I get in the car did the tears started coming.  And they didn't stop all morning!  My poor neighbor just wanted to walk her dog and she got to hear the whole thing with running faucets down my face!  Anyways, I got this picture mid-morning.  T is clearly having a great time and is adjusting well.  I'm sure I'll have a recap for tomorrow!  For now, I can't wait to go pick her up!!!

p.s. I'm linking up to Emily's "Embrace the Camera Day".  Head on over and check out the other ladies jumping in front of the camera for a change!

Daycare Search - Final wrap-up

Well, after nearly 5 months (read here, and here) of searching, inspecting, crying, and desperately trying to find suitable daycare for Miss T, we have finally succeeded!

First, thanks to all of you who have helped in countless ways.  I learned a lot from you, but most of all, never to give up and never to compromise!

And you know what?  We didn't have to compromise at all!  We found an amazing in-home day care center that fits our budget and meets our standards.  Didn't think that was possible?  Neither did I for a while!

Here are the things I love about the daycare we've found:

-The home has a finished basement of two full rooms and a bathroom for the day care.  One room is painted blue, the other is painted orange!  I love it!  It's so bright and cheerful!
-There is a fenced in yard with a play set, sand box, tricycles, etc., with outside time built into the schedule twice a day!
-The area is very family friendly, better air quality than we have at our house and you can actually hear birds.  Birds people!
-The owner/provider is a lovely Filipino woman named Ms. Vicky.  Instantly, I felt very comfortable with her.  She's kind, laid-back and very welcoming.  She took to T right away and T liked her too.  Yay!
-There is some "curriculum", letters numbers, shapes, etc. and circle time everyday, but there is a lot of freedom for personal exploration too.
-The other two little girls there are only a bit older than T (by a couple of months) and they were so excited to play with her right away and were so sweet!
(as a side note, one thing I do like about living here is that T is introduced to people of different races, backgrounds, religions, etc.  One girl at the daycare is Indian, the other is African-American.  Plus, T will get to eat and try new Filipino foods!  Woohoo for diversity!)
-The commute is only 10-15 minutes from our house, though I still need to find the closest Dunkin Donuts!
-Did I mention this all fits in our budget? : )

I really couldn't be happier that we get to bring Miss T here everyday.  I'm actually excited for her, for all the things she'll learn, the opportunities to make friends and socialize, to learn how to play and be in a new environment.  I think this will be so good for T and for all of us!  I know B is happy too.  He has very strong feelings against daycare, but has always recognized my need to work.  After visiting yesterday, he told me on 4 separate occasions "Good job, Baby." That's all I needed to hear!

And now, because I can't leave you without a little bit of sunshine for your day:

Miss T is really enjoying the front camera on my new iPhone.  We love to take silly pictures together!

BTW, I'm linking up to Emily's Embrace the Camera Day.  I can't waste these sillies, can I?  Go check out other momma's embracing the camera today here!

Daycare Blues

This week's focus has been on finding daycare for my baby.  Not an easy task made more difficult by living in a city like mine.  I spent the day on Tuesday calling nearly 20 places only to find two that had openings!

I visited those places yesterday and the results were less than appealing.

Let's just start by saying that yesterday was a bad day all around.  I had to bring our little Joey in for dental surgery at 8:00 am.  I cried when they counselled me about the risks of anesthesia.  I am completely aware of all these risks already, so I'm not sure why I started crying.  (He did fine, one tooth pulled and a deep scaling.  Poor baby!)  Next I get to work only to spend the day trying to order the one test that I need to complete my manuscript for a journal article.  My boss has been MIA for three weeks now, the ordering account is expired and I'm stuck.  Grrr.

Anyways, the first place was overwhelmingly loud, not secure, and there were people outside at a bus stop drinking from a paper bag and swearing all over the place.  Not sure why I did, but I scolded the man dropping F-bombs like it was his job.  I mean seriously, have some tact in front of little ears!

The second place was in a home daycare in a dark, semi-finished basement and the kids were all watching a movie.  I mean, television was built into their schedule!  On occasion I let Miss T watch TV (I can count it on my two hands), but to have it as part of her daily routine?

I felt bad about having such negative feelings for both.  At both places, the women were super nice.  I would have no problem with them coming to my house to watch Miss T.  But the thought of me leaving her in either place had me sobbing in my car.

Well, we picked up Joey and went home.  It was late and I still had to bring Druha to the park and it was about to start raining.  I checked the radar and figured we had about 20-30 minutes.  Just enough time for a quick run around the park and walk home.  Nope.  As my day would have it, we got caught in a RIDICULOUS down pour.  I couldn't even see with all the water pouring down and getting into my eyes.  Miss T was screaming, soaked and shivering.  We tried to run for it, but since I was so blinded, we instead hid out under the deck of one of my neighbors.  After a few minutes, it let up enough that we could finish our run home.  No bath needed that night!  Poor thing, Miss T was so cold, I raced her upstairs, dried her off and put her in long sleeved and long pant PJs.  After all that, I burned her dinner.  Cannot get a break.

My wonderful, patient husband brought home dinner for us.  He let me cry and sulk and just be mad about the day. 

In my broken down state, I finally reached out in desperation.  This is a turning point for me.  I have always been of the mind set that if it can be done, I can do it myself without any help.  I have such a hard time asking for anything!  At this point, I was desperate and I sent a group email to the ladies of my church that work in the nurseries with me.  The response was amazing.  I literally sent the email right before bed and I had at least three responses before I even got under the covers!  These women are amazing!  They are praying for us to find a solution and offering recommendations and solutions themselves!  I am in a completely different mind set today than I was yesterday because of all of their encouragement!  I am taking this as a lesson to me that I need to be able to reach out more when I need help, and to be able to recognize when I can't do it myself.

I'm sure my husband will smile when he reads this as this is a lesson that I've needed to learn for a long, long, time.