Panic button!

Ok, ok, I know.  My posts have been a bit fewer these days.  Between my sister actually requesting more blog updates and the new tab screen on Internet Explorer saying that blogger has been "less active", I've received the message, loud and clear!

The thing is, I've actually spent a great deal of time writing lately, my thesis that is!  I am aspiring to graduate this December, defending my thesis on December 2nd.  That's the plan and what I've been working towards ever since I found out my boss was leaving the university and I had better get my act in gear.  All along, I've been thinking "December, I have time.  December, I have time..."  Last week, B said to me, "Are you going to be able to finish in two months?"  Two months, who was he kidding, I had until December!  Except that it was the end of September and I'm defending on the second day of December, so really, yeah, two months.

(Here's where I go into a spiral of panic!)

I've been working on the same three experiments/goals since July with limited success.  I've finally finished my first author paper manuscript and got that off my to do list, now my actual thesis is looming in front of me (all while trying to finish those same three experiments).  ARRRGGGHHH!

So, I apologize if I haven't updated more, but between being nauseous (and throwing up in the morning), researching, reading and writing for my thesis, and trying to get these last darn experiments to work when everything in the world of research that can go wrong will, I just haven't been able to do many blog updates.  (Seriously, between cell contamination, my incubator breaking, and my supplies being back ordered, what else can go wrong?  No.  Wait.  I'd rather not find out, thank-you-very-much.)

I have found some time to do some crafting.  I'll try to write some updates about those very soon.  Here are some hints, courtesy of pinterest (are you following me there yet?  check it out! http://pinterest.com/melissa_w_hayes)

Source: makingmemorieswithyourkids.blogspot.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Source: kikicreates.blogspot.com via Melissa on Pinterest

I'm also doing some custom dresses for a friend for their annual family photo shoot.  The material just came in this weekend and is waiting to be washed.  Their two adorable girls will be wearing pillowcase dresses in these fabrics:

So that's the update.  I'm about to get waist deep in the exciting details of the "inflammasome".  If you're interested, maybe I'll write a post about what I actually research.  Since you're probably not interested, I'll write some updates about my craft projects very soon.  Pinky swear!

The Sickies

If you're a regular, you saw how my day went from gloom to glory on Thursday.  Then things took a turn for the worse.  Miss T got sick and B had to go back to his meeting.  T had a fever and was cranky, whiny, and clingy all day and I just had to get stuff done at work.  Luckily, my hero, Colleen came to our rescue for a few hours and with mere minutes to spare, I was able to finish what I needed to do and come home.  Just before I got home, I received this picture of my babe:

Now my child is not the kind to just fall asleep anywhere; rarely in her carseat, almost never outside of her crib.  For her to have fallen asleep on the couch told me she was really, really sick.  Sure enough, her temp was 102.5F.  Poor thing.  We spent the next two days on the couch watching Sesame Street.  Despite my own nausea and urges to be sick, I stayed by her hot little side.  The sweet girl that she is, she kept trying to be happy and be interested in things, but you could tell just how miserable she was.

We did do some little crafts to take breaks from TV.  We made welcome home cards for B inspired by our (really, my) favorite night-night book "Guess How Much I Love You", and I finally got around to making something with her seashells and pebbles from the beach this summer.

Saturday night, she was still on fire, but was clearly feeling better.  I could only hope that the next day, her fever would be gone.  This little girl happily appeared Sunday morning!

Just look at those pigtails!  Those were her first!  And, yes, she picked out the Ugg-like boots.  This girl loves shoes and I love letting her choose her footwear every day.  Sometimes I nix her choices, like flip-flops on a cold rainy day, but most of the time, she does a pretty decent job!  I'm so glad she's better.  I knew to expect the sickies now that she's in daycare, but its just such a horrible helpless feeling to know you can't do anything to make your child better.  Ah, well, all is back to normal.  B is home, T is in daycare, and I'm back at work.  I'll leave you with one last close up of those piggie tails!  Love them!

p.s. Don't mind the blur, all pics taken with my iPhone!
p.p.s She became sooo attached to her minky and binky while sick, it will take us days to break her of it!

Just like the movies...

B has been out of town since Tuesday.  He's attending a toxicology meeting and taking an exam to be certified as a toxicologist.  It's been a long road with him trying to fit studying time in at least 5 days a week and we're so thankful that the time finally came for him to take the test, even if it meanth his time away would be for nearly a week.

With him gone though, I've been pretty lonely and kind of just going through the motions.  Yesterday was day two of B's exam and he texted me when he was done that he was going to get some lunch and try to relax.  I got the things done that I needed to do and started to get ready to go home.  I still had to take Dru to the park, and pick up T from daycare.  I was possibly thinking of running to the store to get some construction paper for some toddler craft time.

As I was headed out the door, B texted me "Are you picking up T first or taking Dru?"

I replied "Taking Dru first".  Feeling kind of sad, I didn't elaborate on my plans and just got on my way.  I got home, grabbed DRu and headed to the park.  Now, Dru has a bad habit of running outof the park to bark at people walking by.  He'd never do anything, but his bark tends to make people nervous.  We always check to make sure no one is around before letting him off leash.  As we got to the park, the coast was clear and I let him run.  Just as I stood up, I could see through the tree in front of me that a guy was walking by the park.

"Oh great," I thought, "Now I have to grab Dru again".  But then I stopped.  I thought I recognized that walk.  But looking through the tree it was hard to be sure.  Trying not to look so obvious, in case it wasn't who I thought it was, I started to walk around the tree to get a better look.  Wait, what?  Could it be?  A few steps closer and there was no doubt, B had come home early and surprised me at the park!  I took off in a run and we hugged for a full five minutes, tears streaming down my face.  I had missed him so much in the couple of days he was gone, thinking I wouldn't see him for a few more.  He was able to stay home last night and go back this morning.  I am so thankful that after 13 years of being together, and 6 years of marriage, I still look forward to seeing him this much.  This was the best surprise I've had in a long time!  I love you B!

Tuesday Ten: Food

I know, I know.  Being pregnant you're probably expecting me to list all the crazy foods I've been craving and just can't get enough of.  Well, if that's the post you're looking for, check back again in about a month or so.  As of right now, food disgusts me.  That's right.  I think I want something and by the time its in front of me, hot and ready to consume, I am green up to my ears.  So, here's a lovely list of ten foods that I normally love (and I LOVE food), that currently make my stomach turn:

1. Coffee.  I hate to even say it, but yes, coffee, we need to break up for a while.
2. Salad.  I was really starting to love it, putting all kinds of fun things on it.  It still tastes pretty good.  The problem is the lasting taste in my mouth that won't go away.  Sorry lettuce, veggies, and dressings, we must part ways.
3. Chips and queso.  After a particularly rough evening of being nauseous to the point of tears, I was finally able to eat a bunch of chips and glorious queso. Consider it a last meal - for the chips and queso of course.
4. Mexican food in general.  This is particularly rough.  Not being able to eat meat, I get a lot of protein from beans and I find Mexican food very accomodating and the whole family likes it too.  Oh well.  I even made B get rid of the Mexican gumbo when I wasn't home because I couldn't even look at it anymore.
5. Pasta casserole.  So easy to put together,just throw pasta, veggies and a sauce topped with some cheese, baked and you're got a healthy vegetarian friendly meal ready to go.  Not anymore.  I actually tossed the one I had frozen away because the mere awareness of its existence taking up real estate in my freezer was sending me to the ..., well you know.
6. Mints.  If one more person gives me pregnancy anti-nausea advice that includes mints, I'm going to make them sit there with me the next time cookies are being tossed.  Mints don't work and I'm sick of hoping they will only to be let down.
7. Alcohol.  Now this one is sort of obvious, except that even the smell of alcohol is completely revolting to me.  We were at a fabulous family wedding a couple of weeks ago.  I had to leave the dance floor because the smell of booze was going to knock me down!
8. Ice cream.  Poor ice cream.  We had a good run, didn't we?  Snuggling up together every single night.  And you never got jealous when I wanted to try another flavor!  I hope that we can work things out.  Maybe we just need some time apart, some space to find who we are individually.  Don't call me, I'll call you.
9. Peanut butter crackers.  At one time a life saver, you always had a place in the bottom of my purse.  I think I abused you and now, I just can't even look at you anymore.
10. Well, I'll just leave this one blank.  I mean, it won't be long until another one (or ten) are added to the list.  Oy just 5 more weeks of this (hopefully!).

Let me just say that this post was both challenging and sad to write.  Coffee and Ice Cream might be my most favorite edible things ever!  The challenging part was trying to remember the things that the mere thought of make me sick - without getting sick!  Phew.  Ok.  I did it!  Hmmm.  Not feeling so well now.  Maybe the mints will work this time...  :p

I'm linking up here!

BOOM

(Just to be clear, everything is going perfectly fine wtih this pregnancy.  We are 10 weeks along, I'm nauseous most of the time, and we've seen a heartbeat.  However, sometimes I write blog posts that I never intend to publish.  It's therapeutic for me to get my thoughts out, organized and stored away.  While I didn't intend to publish this one, (we were trying not to spead the word too much before we knew for sure), I think it's important to share.  I know so many women who have had to face one or several miscarriages in their lives and there are many more who have never shared that kind of heartbreak.  None of us talk about it, but I bet many of us feel the same way.  Leading up to our first OB appointment, these were my thoughts and feelings.  I hope that for those who have had to face this too, you can read this and know you're not alone.  For those that haven't had to go through this, perhaps this can help you relate to those that you know who have.  I know I had no idea before I went through it myself.)

Written 8/29/11, four days before our first OB/GYN appointment:

For the past several weeks, I have been a ticking time bomb.  At any moment, I feel like my world could explode... again.

As very few of you know, we are pregnant.  I am about 9 weeks along and waiting for that "first" ultrasound.  I say "first" because, impatient people that we are, and having the resources/connections that we do, we had an off-the record ultrasound a few weeks ago, courtesy of B's friends who are residents, training in ultrasound at the hospital.  And though B said he saw "something", I didn't see anything.  Just a speck.  And that's when my fuse was lit.

Just over two years ago, B and I miscarried.  It's still hard for me to type it, never mind say it.  Those weeks were such a roller coaster.  From total elation that we were pregnant, to denial, that something would of course start to show up in the many, many ultrasounds, to the absolute dread of the D&C.  I was in a funk for a long time.  No, not just a funk, I was flat out depressed.  I felt like a failure as a woman.  I know it wasn't "my fault" and that I didn't do anything wrong.  I know in my head that it was nature's way of screening out the incompatible combinations of chromosomes.  I know that miscarriage is very common and happens to so many women (but why do none of us talk about it?). 

None of that information got to my heart though.  In my heart, I still grieve for the child that never happened.  Despite the fact that we were able to conceive relatively quickly afterward and had a beautiful, complete, perfect little girl, I still miss the idea of what that first pregnancy might have been. 

And now, having seen a preliminary speck, similar to what we saw the first time, where it  was just the empty sac, the blighted ovum, the dread has returned.  Have I failed again?

We'll know for sure on Thursday when we have our first OB/GYN appointment and our first official ultrasound.  At that point, if there will be a baby, then there will be something to see.  And if not...  Well, we've been down that road before...  I hope this bomb is a dud.  I hope that the joy that is Miss T will help carry me through and remind me that even though this one might not be successful, the next one might.  I hope I can be strong enough to face Thursday and the information we might receive.  The few family members we have told are so excited for us.  They talk about it as if they are sure of the outcome.  I find myself reeling them in, refusing to celebrate until I know.  I refuse to board the roller coaster again, I'll just stay on the platform until Thursday.  Until then, I'll take try to take some comfort in the daily, non-stop nausea that I didn't have with the first pregnancy, the frequent night wakings, and the already growing belly.  Tick, tick, tick...

Of course, as we announced here, everything seems to be going well.  I've finally allowed myself to start getting excited and thinking/dreaming about our new addition to our family.  I'm finding myself falling asleep with my hands on my belly.  It surprises me how real the pain of our miscarriage still is, even now.  Anyways, I think I'll leave you with a positive note, a very silly picture of me trying to capture my 10-week bump in my bathroom mirror!  My acceptable wardrobe is getting smaller every day!