Friday, December 16, 2011

Fears and affirmations

I'm currently posting from the Labor and Delivery department at our hospital. It seems like everything is ok, but let me back up a little.

One of the biggest fears I've had throughout this pregnancy is wondering how I'm ever going to love this new baby as much as T. I still have that new mom fascination/obsession with T and I've been afraid that it wouldn't leave any room to love another child as much. I've talked to a few other moms about this so I know I'm not alone. They've also reassured me that somehow their love for the new baby explodes and somehow they have enough to go around.

For the last 14 hours I haven't felt baby #2 kick much if at all. Normally, I fall asleep to her rhythmic dance at night and she does her floor routine every time I eat. Last night my schedule was so off that I just assumed I had miss the show and didn't think much of it. Today, though, after a rough morning I hasn't felt her move after breakfast, snack, or lunch. Dreading the worst I called my OB and here I am with monitors attached to me.

In the first minute of trying to find a heart beat (which seemed like hours) I could feel my heart dying. Once I heard that sweet lub-lub-lub, I was overcome with such joy that of course the tears started flowing. But more than that, I had the reassurance I needed that I can love this child as much as T. It seems like one of God's mysterious ways in that through crisis, tragedy, or emergency, the prayers we have lifted up to Him are answered. So while my original plans for today have been put on hold and while I spent a good amount of time today scared and anxious, I am relieved to sit here and listen to my baby's heart beat and hear her move, knowing that in a few months she will be joining a family that is going to love her to pieces.


Erica said...

you have me in so glad they found the heartbeat. Love you all.

Jen @ Rolling Through Looneyville said...

I'm SO glad things are fine!

And the most amazing thing about subsequent kids is that they not only are loved and cherished as much as your first, but when they arrive, they somehow compound that love so that you end up loving them both more than you thought you would. Feels like your heart will burst!

Bria Caplan said...

loved this post! ( I know I don't ever comment, but I do read your stuff sometimes. I like to hear whats going on with you outside of prayer requests at City Kids!!! Anyways, this blog was definitely worth a post :)) Amen!