(Just to be clear, everything is going perfectly fine wtih this pregnancy. We are 10 weeks along, I'm nauseous most of the time, and we've seen a heartbeat. However, sometimes I write blog posts that I never intend to publish. It's therapeutic for me to get my thoughts out, organized and stored away. While I didn't intend to publish this one, (we were trying not to spead the word too much before we knew for sure), I think it's important to share. I know so many women who have had to face one or several miscarriages in their lives and there are many more who have never shared that kind of heartbreak. None of us talk about it, but I bet many of us feel the same way. Leading up to our first OB appointment, these were my thoughts and feelings. I hope that for those who have had to face this too, you can read this and know you're not alone. For those that haven't had to go through this, perhaps this can help you relate to those that you know who have. I know I had no idea before I went through it myself.)
Written 8/29/11, four days before our first OB/GYN appointment:
For the past several weeks, I have been a ticking time bomb. At any moment, I feel like my world could explode... again.
As very few of you know, we are pregnant. I am about 9 weeks along and waiting for that "first" ultrasound. I say "first" because, impatient people that we are, and having the resources/connections that we do, we had an off-the record ultrasound a few weeks ago, courtesy of B's friends who are residents, training in ultrasound at the hospital. And though B said he saw "something", I didn't see anything. Just a speck. And that's when my fuse was lit.
Just over two years ago, B and I miscarried. It's still hard for me to type it, never mind say it. Those weeks were such a roller coaster. From total elation that we were pregnant, to denial, that something would of course start to show up in the many, many ultrasounds, to the absolute dread of the D&C. I was in a funk for a long time. No, not just a funk, I was flat out depressed. I felt like a failure as a woman. I know it wasn't "my fault" and that I didn't do anything wrong. I know in my head that it was nature's way of screening out the incompatible combinations of chromosomes. I know that miscarriage is very common and happens to so many women (but why do none of us talk about it?).
None of that information got to my heart though. In my heart, I still grieve for the child that never happened. Despite the fact that we were able to conceive relatively quickly afterward and had a beautiful, complete, perfect little girl, I still miss the idea of what that first pregnancy might have been.
And now, having seen a preliminary speck, similar to what we saw the first time, where it was just the empty sac, the blighted ovum, the dread has returned. Have I failed again?
We'll know for sure on Thursday when we have our first OB/GYN appointment and our first official ultrasound. At that point, if there will be a baby, then there will be something to see. And if not... Well, we've been down that road before... I hope this bomb is a dud. I hope that the joy that is Miss T will help carry me through and remind me that even though this one might not be successful, the next one might. I hope I can be strong enough to face Thursday and the information we might receive. The few family members we have told are so excited for us. They talk about it as if they are sure of the outcome. I find myself reeling them in, refusing to celebrate until I know. I refuse to board the roller coaster again, I'll just stay on the platform until Thursday. Until then, I'll take try to take some comfort in the daily, non-stop nausea that I didn't have with the first pregnancy, the frequent night wakings, and the already growing belly. Tick, tick, tick...
Of course, as we announced here, everything seems to be going well. I've finally allowed myself to start getting excited and thinking/dreaming about our new addition to our family. I'm finding myself falling asleep with my hands on my belly. It surprises me how real the pain of our miscarriage still is, even now. Anyways, I think I'll leave you with a positive note, a very silly picture of me trying to capture my 10-week bump in my bathroom mirror! My acceptable wardrobe is getting smaller every day!